In Token Of Our West Coast 'Indian Summer'

DEFINITION OF OUTDOOR BARBECUING

When a man volunteers to do barbecue cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store.

2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a cold beverage.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[forwarded by Fred Dick]

The Ultimate Golfing Lesson

Lately Mike, a Pastor, had grown weary from the demands of his growing church. He was getting very little sleep and a couple of deacons had really been putting him to the test.

So, one beautiful Spring Sunday morning he decides that he would feel better with a relaxing round of golf. Pretending to be sick, he calls the deacons and informs them that he is sick and will not be able to make it that day. He scheduled in a guest speaker so everything was under control without him.

As Pastor Mike was preparing to tee off on the first hole, the Archangel Michael looked over at the Father and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but what are you going to do? Pastor Mike called in to his deacons and said he was sick. He lied to them and to the church. And, he is skipping church all together. Shouldn't you punish him somehow for his behavior?"

"Sure," said the Father. "I'm going to make him hit a hole-in-one on every hole."

"A hole-in-one on every hole?!" said Michael. "That's not punishment. That's a blessing. No one has ever done that and you're going to help this lazy, lying pastor score a hole-in-one on every hole? How is that punishment?!"

"Who's he gonna tell?"

A Dad Funny

TOP 10 WRONG WAYS TO INITIATE YOUR SON INTO MANHOOD

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."

3. Give him Grandma's lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."

2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.

today'sTHOT============================

Children are natural mimics - they act like us in spite of all our attempts to teach them good manners.

Today's Funny: CLASSY INSULTS

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. "
- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
- James Reston

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

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PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com

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Today's Funny: ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS

ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace, Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Today's THOT

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and, thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year, also.

Today's Funny: WHICH CHRISTMAS STORY?

A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus.

He was so excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!"

He continued: "And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around."

[forwarded by Bob Martin]

Today's Punny Funny (Get the drum roll ready...)

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"

The dentist said, "Well, that's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll have to make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome"

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

"It's simple," said the dentist.

"Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise." (BA-DA-BUM!)

[forwarded by Kelly Fredericks]

Today's Funny: CHRISTMAS TEXAS-SIZE

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, TEXAS STYLE!

T'was the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin' of Christmas, like me and you.
Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.
And I saw 'cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
The driver was "Geein" and "Hawin", with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.
"Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
There'll be plenty of travelin' for you all tonight."
The driver in Levi's and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.
As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.
And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, "Are you really Santa Claus?"
"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?"
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard and called back in his drawl,
"To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, y'all"

[forwarded by JR]

today'sTHOT============================

Today is the first day of the rest of your life - but so was yesterday and look how you messed that up.

Today's Funny: FLU NOTES

FLU NOTES

(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)

Monday A.M.:
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.:
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.:
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.:
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9pm. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:

1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?

I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.:
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.

[forwarded by Trudy Fuller]

today'sTHOT============================

A woman never shot a man while he was doing dishes.

Today's Funny: BURNT THE BIRD

12 REASONS TO BE THANKFUL YOU BURNT THE BIRD

1. Salmonella won't be a concern.

2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.

6. No one will overeat.

7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.

8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.

10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.

11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.

12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

Today's Funny: DOCTOR

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[forwarded by JR]

Today's Funny: MEDICAL

"NEW MEDICAL LEAVE & RELATED POLICIES"


SICKNESS: We will no longer accept doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, then you are able to go to work.

OPERATIONS: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DEATH OF OTHERS: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employees' supervisors.


today'sTHOT============================

A penny saved is ridiculous.

Today's Funny: PARENTS

MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

today'sTHOT===================================

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Today's Funny: DOGS

DOG'S NOTES TO SELF:

~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

~ I will not eat the cats' food--before they eat it or after they throw it up.

~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

~ I will not throw up in the car.

~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

~ "Kitty box crunchies"--although they are tasty--are not my food.

~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

~ I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

~ I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

~ The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.

~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.

~ I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

~ I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option just after getting a bath.

~ Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

~ I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

~ The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.


today'sTHOT============================

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

The WEIRD Wide Web

See what I found below ....

This is so STRANGE -- as only real life can be -- I 'Googled' my full name and poof! I turned into a place in Cincinnati apparently, as "Kenton County" (I should move there and run for Mayor), and in this place is a KENTON Tire Shop, my first name, and a mysterious tire company with my last name, KUTNEY Tire Inc. You gotta love it. There's no explaining a connection!

clipped from www.google.com Kenton Tire Service in Cincinnati - Reviews on RateLocal.com Kenton Tire Service is ranked on a list of Cincinnati Tires & Wheels, and you can also earn money for ... Kutney Tire Incorporated, Sort items by: ... www.rateitall.com/i-343034-kenton-tire-service.aspx - 31k - Cached - Similar pages

Today's Funny: TAXI DRIVER

today'sFUNNY==================================

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."

The taxi driver says "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."


today'sTHOT============================

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

Today's Funny: THUNDERSTORM

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

today'sTHOT============================

A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.

INTRODUCTION: A little laughter goes a long way...

(CLICK TO GO TO WWW.KENKUTNEY.COM)

In my live talks I almost always incorporate humour, often unintentionally. I'll just pause with the dawning realization that people are laughing ... at me. Sometimes I come across funny stuff and keep track of it so I can incororate it, because somehow if you get a person or a crowd to laugh they loosen up, connect, and open up. They can start listening!

More than that, an ancient wisdom-proverb says laughing will keep you going: "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." What a contrast!

I want to point you to a really funny guy, simply called Mikey, that I have been reading emails from for many years -- people have sent in many jokes and he sorts through that too. I am going to post from this collection a lot (unless otherwise indicated) bc. it such good CLEAN stuff!

Let me add this amazing note that was added yesterday in an email (from Breanna):

"I have been receiving your emails for quite some time now, and I cannot tell you how much they help get me through. My older brother originally introduced me to your funnies, and I liked them and subscribed. They helped get me through recovery from cranial surgery. Now my brother (at only 21) died serving as a missionary. We have been in Taiwan trying to get his body home, and I anxiously await your emails to put a little humor back in my life. It is so nice to be able to read a little clean humor every day. God bless you."

PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send a Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!



Note: If you want to subscribe to the daily email funnies yourself you can go directly to www.mikeysFunnies.com (and it's free, although some appreciate it so much they want to donate a bit to keep it rolling -- to see why, please read this: http://snipurl.com/whydonate

(CLICK HERE TO GO TO WWW.KENKUTNEY.COM)