12 REASONS TO BE THANKFUL YOU BURNT THE BIRD
1. Salmonella won't be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Today's Funny: DOCTOR
A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.
The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"
The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
[forwarded by JR]
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.
The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"
The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
[forwarded by JR]
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Today's Funny: MEDICAL
"NEW MEDICAL LEAVE & RELATED POLICIES"
SICKNESS: We will no longer accept doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, then you are able to go to work.
OPERATIONS: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
DEATH OF OTHERS: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employees' supervisors.
today'sTHOT============================
A penny saved is ridiculous.
SICKNESS: We will no longer accept doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, then you are able to go to work.
OPERATIONS: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
DEATH OF OTHERS: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employees' supervisors.
today'sTHOT============================
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Today's Funny: PARENTS
MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
today'sTHOT===================================
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
today'sTHOT===================================
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Today's Funny: DOGS
DOG'S NOTES TO SELF:
~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
~ I will not eat the cats' food--before they eat it or after they throw it up.
~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
~ I will not throw up in the car.
~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
~ "Kitty box crunchies"--although they are tasty--are not my food.
~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
~ I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
~ I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
~ The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
~ I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
~ I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option just after getting a bath.
~ Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
~ I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
~ The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
today'sTHOT============================
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
~ I will not eat the cats' food--before they eat it or after they throw it up.
~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
~ I will not throw up in the car.
~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
~ "Kitty box crunchies"--although they are tasty--are not my food.
~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
~ I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
~ I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
~ The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
~ I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
~ I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option just after getting a bath.
~ Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
~ I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
~ The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
today'sTHOT============================
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Saturday, November 3, 2007
The WEIRD Wide Web
See what I found below ....
This is so STRANGE -- as only real life can be -- I 'Googled' my full name and poof! I turned into a place in Cincinnati apparently, as "Kenton County" (I should move there and run for Mayor), and in this place is a KENTON Tire Shop, my first name, and a mysterious tire company with my last name, KUTNEY Tire Inc. You gotta love it. There's no explaining a connection!
 clipped from www.google.com
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Friday, November 2, 2007
Today's Funny: TAXI DRIVER
today'sFUNNY==================================
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."
The taxi driver says "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."
today'sTHOT============================
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."
The taxi driver says "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver...I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."
today'sTHOT============================
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Today's Funny: THUNDERSTORM
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
today'sTHOT============================
A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
today'sTHOT============================
A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.
INTRODUCTION: A little laughter goes a long way...
(CLICK TO GO TO WWW.KENKUTNEY.COM)
In my live talks I almost always incorporate humour, often unintentionally. I'll just pause with the dawning realization that people are laughing ... at me. Sometimes I come across funny stuff and keep track of it so I can incororate it, because somehow if you get a person or a crowd to laugh they loosen up, connect, and open up. They can start listening!
More than that, an ancient wisdom-proverb says laughing will keep you going: "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones." What a contrast!
I want to point you to a really funny guy, simply called Mikey, that I have been reading emails from for many years -- people have sent in many jokes and he sorts through that too. I am going to post from this collection a lot (unless otherwise indicated) bc. it such good CLEAN stuff!
Let me add this amazing note that was added yesterday in an email (from Breanna):
"I have been receiving your emails for quite some time now, and I cannot tell you how much they help get me through. My older brother originally introduced me to your funnies, and I liked them and subscribed. They helped get me through recovery from cranial surgery. Now my brother (at only 21) died serving as a missionary. We have been in Taiwan trying to get his body home, and I anxiously await your emails to put a little humor back in my life. It is so nice to be able to read a little clean humor every day. God bless you."
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send a Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!
Note: If you want to subscribe to the daily email funnies yourself you can go directly to www.mikeysFunnies.com (and it's free, although some appreciate it so much they want to donate a bit to keep it rolling -- to see why, please read this: http://snipurl.com/whydonate
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