In Token Of Our West Coast 'Indian Summer'

DEFINITION OF OUTDOOR BARBECUING

When a man volunteers to do barbecue cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store.

2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a cold beverage.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[forwarded by Fred Dick]

The Ultimate Golfing Lesson

Lately Mike, a Pastor, had grown weary from the demands of his growing church. He was getting very little sleep and a couple of deacons had really been putting him to the test.

So, one beautiful Spring Sunday morning he decides that he would feel better with a relaxing round of golf. Pretending to be sick, he calls the deacons and informs them that he is sick and will not be able to make it that day. He scheduled in a guest speaker so everything was under control without him.

As Pastor Mike was preparing to tee off on the first hole, the Archangel Michael looked over at the Father and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but what are you going to do? Pastor Mike called in to his deacons and said he was sick. He lied to them and to the church. And, he is skipping church all together. Shouldn't you punish him somehow for his behavior?"

"Sure," said the Father. "I'm going to make him hit a hole-in-one on every hole."

"A hole-in-one on every hole?!" said Michael. "That's not punishment. That's a blessing. No one has ever done that and you're going to help this lazy, lying pastor score a hole-in-one on every hole? How is that punishment?!"

"Who's he gonna tell?"

A Dad Funny

TOP 10 WRONG WAYS TO INITIATE YOUR SON INTO MANHOOD

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."

3. Give him Grandma's lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."

2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.

today'sTHOT============================

Children are natural mimics - they act like us in spite of all our attempts to teach them good manners.

Today's Funny: CLASSY INSULTS

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. "
- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
- James Reston

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

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Today's Funny: ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS

ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace, Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.